So my life took a turn for the worst recently and dealt me a swift sharp shock or two!!

My love of my life dumped me cos he apparently wanted to go off travelling, lame excuse after 5 years of commiting to be with each other!

I was deeply hurt and felt crushed and broken. I did a crazy thing after almost 2 weeks of dealing with this shocking news and i had a fling with a close close male friend. He was there when i needed him, i needed comfort and love and it's what i got.

Then life went even more pear shaped. This friend of mine happens to also be a close close mate of my now ex boyfriends and so when news got out to him, my ex went ape shit! He was very angry and upset and made me feel awful - like i did it all to hurt him and i was being a selfish whore - yes he called me a whore and made me feel shit!

He even asked my friend to cut me out his life if they were to stay mates. This happened for about 3 weeks. I was cut off, no contact and i felt very alone and sad. What a mess life can be?!

So after 3 weeks my friend gets in touch to tell me he misses me very much and he wants to talk but is only doing what my ex asked. I suggested we stay friends and keep it quiet so it doesn't rock the boat. I like life to be simple and uncomplicated.

Then out of no where i discover that all along my ex has had a girlfriend, he met her a month before dumping me, started dating her 5 days after leaving me and has been keeping it secret from me!!

This i find most hurtful as he'd been seeing me telling me he loved me, telling me he see's me as the mother of his children and telling me he thinks he made a mistake in leaving me - why say these things when he has a new girl?

I also discover he used to go out on the pull even though we were a couple, i knew i'd seen odd texts on his phone and pictures of random girls! His whole relationship with me has been a string of lies and manipulation.

He loved to control me - stop me doing things i wanted. He wanted to leave me and go off travelling but wanted me to be here waiting with open arms on his return.

I am a fool - a fool with a broken heart and smashed promises of dreams once shared.

At least i see things clearly now. A new perspective certainly changes things and i no longer have tunnel vision. I see my foolish mistakes and little girl dreams as a mistaken belief of love. That wasn't love, not really. I was under a spell. Who would want to stay with a man who had previously cheated on you?? A foolish little girl, thats who.

Well i am no longer foolish or blinded by dreams.

I have my friend back too and i feel stronger once again. Now i need to just get my ex out of my life and get on with what is left of my own life.

It's time for me to be selfish for a while and for a change put my own needs before others. This is a whole new thing for me, but i no longer wish to be a doormat to people who are going to walk all over me!

I have more damn self respect than that.

I've learned a hard lesson but hopefully will make the most of it!